I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
