umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
