she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
