Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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