I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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