After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
