dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Randomize
