At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
