he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
