9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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