can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
