its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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