A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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