i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
