Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
