New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
