I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
