What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
