If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You may now shotgun with the bride
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
