thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
