MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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