Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
