He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
