ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
