Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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