Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
