so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
