Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
