you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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