Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
