So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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