Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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