Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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