dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
