I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
