went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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