the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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