Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
