Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
