I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
