a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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