apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
