the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So here I am, sexting at work.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
