In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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