i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
