You smell like a Billy Joel song
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
