There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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