So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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