he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
