i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
