Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
